This goes out to the friend who've I've always known but haven't had for the last year or so.

We are way too much alike and way too different at the same time. You know why? Because you don't have the balls. Sure, it's pretty ballsy to pick up and move in with a girl you've been dating for a week or two, in a whole other state. But you didn't have the balls to say "no." If you would have said "no" from the beginning, you wouldn't be where you are. You should have said "No, I can't move in with you this early in our relationship. No, I can't leave my friends that I know I can trust when no one trusts you." When you didn't say that? You should have said "No, I will not ignore my friends. No, I will not disregard all the times they've been there for me just because you want me to." And even after you didn't say that, you should have said "No, we don't need to get married this young. No, it won't fix everything."
I, on the other hand, do have the balls to say "no." Frankly, I say "no" more than I should. I just don't have the balls to say "yes." Because of that, I don't take chances with my life and I always wonder what if. 

You left us here. You left me and told me that we couldn't be friends and we weren't allowed to talk. You have no idea how hurt I was. No one can just take a friend away without a logical reason, but that's what you let her do. And you left Andrew. He was okay with it up until you weren't allowed to hang out with him. That's not okay. And even Nick was hurt, even though he wasn't directly involved. You were one of the only friends who has stuck by him through his life and then you just threw that to hell. Who deserves that?

I know no one plans to divorce anyone (at least, not people who are totally there). And yeh, if you actually go through with it, if she actually lets you OR you put your foot down, it's gonna be a bitch. It's gonna be tough and you're going to hate it. But I'm going to be there to help you the whole way, because that's who I am. And Andrew will be there for you, to say negative but clever things, because that's how he lightens the situation and you know he probably doesn't know any other way to help. And your parents are going to be there. And if they're not, I'll let you borrow mine. Because they've both been divorced and they know how it is and they're actually really cool.

But just know your life is going to be so great. Because I believe you're great and if you weren't that great, I'd probably not want to help you. But you are. So don't worry.

Sorry for how rough this is. In my head, it was all melded together and there weren't really definite words.

When someone that I am seriously involved with says "I love you" to me for the first time, while they are under some kind of self-induced intoxication, it's off. That is, until I decided it's back on. For some goddamn reason, I will forgive them numerous times for all of the times they wrong me, until I am so miserable with my decisions that I shut the world out and ruin any chance of keeping what little self esteem I have.
I've been with liars and cheaters and alcoholics and druggies and every single time they do something that I can't respect, I get mad for a second and then just choose to ignore it and move on with it. I hate when people settle but that's exactly what I'm doing.
I don't understand why it's so hard to find someone who I find attractive, who has better than satisfactory morals, who understands me, and who can actually tell the truth.

Dear Boy

I know it's absurd for me to think this but I feel that the only reason you started talking to me months ago & the reason we even hastily hooked up is because of my blog post addressing the guys I've kissed. If I recall correctly, the day or the day after I posted it was the first time you had contacted me in months, So since I told all the other guys how I feel, I might as well tell you too. I mean, it's only fair, right?

Wow... Where to begin... Ok, let me just say that we could be one dynamite couple. Take that as you will (I prefer to take it as "explosive, volatile, sometimes deadly"). A friend told me we'd be perfect together because we're so alike. Yeh. That's why we'd be HORRIBLE together. We're both unstable. We both like to make things awkward. We both think we're funnier than the other.
I remember telling you we'd never work out because we have terrible chemistry. You didn't think so, but instead said we just had bad timing. Well, if that's the case, we've had bad timing way too many times and we should probably just give it up. Which I've tried. And succeeded at. A couple times. But then you just waltz back into my life and pretend everything's all hunky dory. Well, it's not.
It's not fair that I keep falling for you and then, once I'm putty, you toss me away. I don't want to be your safety, your backup. Your spare so just in case something happens, you can run to me and expect I'll take you in. You wanna know something? The sad thing is I'm going to take you back every single time. Because some demented part of me believes you could be my One, even though I know that no sane part of you thinks I'm even close to yours. You know why I'll do that? Because I hope I can change your mind.
And I'm sorry that I drive you away by wanting to be in your company all the time. When I like someone, I like to be near them. Even if we can just be comfortable not talking. I'm sorry that's too weird for you. I just don't know what else to do.
Also, I'm sorry I'm a "weird kisser." No one else has ever complained, so I'm just going to assume you're picking at me as usual and maybe that's just your way of showing you care.

So, I know he'll probably never read that. At least I'm crossing my fingers. But I had to get it off my chest, into a space where someone might read it.

Letter to a loved one

Dear Horace*,

I love you. I really do. And you love me. At least yesterday I was 100% positive of that fact. Today I'm not so sure.
You lied to me almost every day that we've been together. You still smoke. I could taste it on your lips. You still drink. I'm not completely gullible to believe it when you say you don't even though your friends come over and do. You told me that you were late and couldn't call me and tell me why because Delilah* was driving and got pulled over for not using a turn signal and the cop was on the passenger side talking to her over you and you didn't want to interupt, when REALLY Delilah wasn't even in the car and you were the one pulled over for speeding. Really, I wouldn't have been that pissed off if you would have told me straight up. But now I am.
I told Delilah that I'm close to ending it and all she said was that you love me. Well, Babe, you don't lie to people you love unless it's going to help them. And all this? This isn't helpful to me at all.
You only get two strikes with me, and so far, I'm thinking you've used 1. And that's me being generous.
I was willing to plan my future with you. In fact, I'd already begun.
I don't know what you want me to do. I won't be pulled under.
I do love you and I'm willing to work through this. My family is willing to work through it. I want to help you but I can do it without you wanting to. Please let me help you.

Love,
Marissa

*names have been changed

My boyfriend is in jail. I don't know how or why or when. I couldn't get in contact with him all day and finally a friend that lives with him texted me and said he was in jail. That was honestly not even a possibility in my head. My first thoughts were that he was asleep or working at his car at a nearby garage or hanging out at Wendy's where aforementioned friend works or riding fourwheelers with another friend or lifting weights at a gym. I don't know. A million other things ran through my mind.

But not jail.

Even worse, he broke his three and half year probation. Which means his bail is a ton more than it would have been probably. Which means he might not get out until the first of the month (in a few days) or the middle of the month. And talking to a friend, I found out that he might have more jail time, plus house arrest, plus even more probation.

I never thought I would be the girlfriend of a jailbird. Never what I would have imagined. Ever.

I don't even know what to say.